My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
