I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
