Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
