i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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