Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
