i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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