The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
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I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
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I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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