Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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