When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
