Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
