You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize