We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
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