The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
