When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
It's blow job season.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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