I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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