i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
