She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
