So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
