no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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