there's paper in my vomit.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
ttyl tear gas
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
