she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
