You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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