we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
