The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I pour the whiskey from now on
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
