Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
We have started to decorate penises.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
