You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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