Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
