that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
