I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
