i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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