wanna go halves on a baby?
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
