I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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