Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Randomize
