The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
