I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
