life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
