she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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