Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
