I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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