Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
