dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Randomize
