Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
