Kareoke will never be a sober sport
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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