Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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