If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
