please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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