And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
