He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
