I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
