You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
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