i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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