so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
