I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
