Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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