I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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