Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I have post one night stand depression
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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