I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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