You can't special order awesome
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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